Three to Fifteen

So, I’ve been begging Jeffrey to write a blog post for months. He finally did and I’m not even in it. But, I figure if I share it and you all see how great his perspective is, maybe he’ll keep writing and eventually dedicate a whole one to me.

Life is so surreal sometimes. When I sit and think of my life just 5 years and some change ago; homeless, living in my pick up with Kilo. Hopeless, I didn’t have the ability to see my life any other way than my current situation. Broke, I hadn’t worked anything that resembled a steady job in 8 years. Alone, I had burned every bridge but a few, and was relying on the surface level acquaintances I used dope with to fill the void of family and friends (for the most part). I was in serious legal trouble, 14 felonies and 3-15 years in prison hanging over my head. No God, no faith in anything except the fact that my dope boy would eventually show up, no confidence, no self esteem, no ability to be authentic, no compassion or patience, no love, heart the size of a grain of sand. When I say hopeless, I mean HOPELESS. Not even a fleeting thought in my head that my life could or even would look any different (unless that different was worse) than it did that point in time. The worst part of it all was that in those moments, I was so numb to the way that I felt and was so deep in my addiction, that I figured this was just the way my cards where laid out and I was “okay” with it. As long as I could keep getting high, day in and day out, I would be fine with the condition of my life. The worst part of my self made prison that I was living in was that I blamed it on everyone else around me. The very ones that loved me and wanted so badly for me to come back into their lives.

I was sifting through some boxes of memories the other day when I found this journal entry from about 11 years ago in a notebook I hadn’t opened in as many years.

I ended up going to jail and sat there alone, cursing you all because I knew I couldn’t call any of you because you wouldn’t help me! You would probably do the same thing as mom and just talk to me about why this needed to happen and that you would pray for me… HA, like I need to hear that, you’re all so self righteous. Can’t you all see that IM FINE!

“Hey guys it’s me Jeff, you know, the one that can make you all laugh and would do anything for you all, well unless it might interfere with what I’ve got going on.”

I’m just in a rough spot. You’d all be in a rough spot too if your whole family had abandoned you. 

THAT IS WHERE MY HEAD WAS AT. WHAT IN THE LITERAL HELL WAS I THINKING. The level of denial that I was living my life in is absolutely mind blowing to me at this point. However, at the time, those thoughts and feelings were very valid and real to me. The world was against me, the man was trying to hold me down, and if everyone could just think and feel as I did, everything would be okay. Not gonna lie, sometimes I still feel like if everyone just acted and thought the way I do, everything would be a lot better off! So that’s where I sat for the next 6 years. Alone. Blaming the people who loved me unconditionally and wanted only the very best for me. But that feeling and my life only got worse.

Back to my point of life being so surreal sometimes, as all of these memories are swirling through my head, as I’m recalling the way that I felt for so long. As I’m tearing up remember those feelings very vividly. As I’m imagining the way that my family felt during those years. I realize where I’m at, I’m meditating… I have this morning routine, I get out of bed and stretch, putting on my glasses and watch sleepily, before I walk out of the room. 3 dogs follow me, 2 stay in bed with their mother. I make my way downstairs, still groggy, fearing for my life at the coming obstacle of dogs and stairs and half awakedness. (not really a word) I carefully navigate the stairs and the 3 dogs, one of which has zero control over his gigantic frame. I make it safely ( barely ) to the kitchen and I push the brew button on the coffee maker and get rather excited when I hear the first gurgle of the water passing from the basin to the spout. I let the dogs outside and take my first deep breath of outdoor air and sit down on the steps with them, just long enough to become fully awake and just take a moment with creation, thanking God for this blessed life. The dogs then devour the 3 bowls of food that I’ve poured them and I pour myself a glorious cup of coffee. I then sit down in a dark dining room and read the JFT daily meditation along with a devotion and a bible passage that allows me something to think on and strive for throughout my day. Then I sip and I pray and I yield. This morning I yielded for quite a bit longer than usual. As I enjoyed every last bit of that coffee, thoughts of my past, tears for that boy and his family, and gratitude for my life today….

How in the world did my life change so drastically?!?!?!

One word… FAITH! Faith that despite how I felt about my life, that maybe it could change. Faith that treatment would be a better option than prison. Faith that there might be something in the world or out of it that was greater than myself. Faith that the insane nature in which I was living my life, didn’t have to be the life I continued to live. Faith not in myself, but in those around me who had waited for me to come back home for years. Faith that they always do and always did want what was best for me. Faith that one day I could be the same caliber of man that my father was.

My life today is not good because of the “things” in it. My life today is good because of the people in it. My life today is good because I actively participate in it. My life is good today because of hard work and determination. My life today is good because of the bad things that have happened and that have been overcome. My life today is good because of Faith in my higher power, Jesus Christ. My life is good today so that possibly in your weakest, lowest, hopelessnessiest ( not a word ) moment that you can have faith that if I can do it, you can do it!