Expectations

So, first I have to say that I love just about all the dogs, but I’m much more selective when it comes to people. While I do not believe that Jeffrey is the ONLY man I could have built a successful life and family with, I do believe that God could not have created another more perfect human for me. I’m sure my version of events differs from Jeffrey’s, but here’s how it happened for me…

Ever since I got clean, I’ve been super Miss Independent and would rely on no man. I never wanted to feel trapped like I had before. I wanted to be in a relationship because that person brought value to my life, not because I had no other option. So, this made my standards extremely high. And the funny thing is, before Jeffrey and I ever even started dating, I told my mom I would marry him, and if not him, then a man like him. But even after we started dating, I couldn’t exactly rid myself of the feeling that I can’t ‘need’ someone, that it is somehow a weakness. I was so convicted about not being co-dependent, I wasn’t allowing myself the freedom to fall headfirst in love.

And then something changed. I realized that choosing to not be vulnerable is not the solution to not getting hurt. In fact, the opposite is true because without getting vulnerable, I never get to experience the good things either. And that did it for me. From that point on, there was no more ‘someone like him,’ there was only Jeffrey. And I couldn’t be luckier, if you even want to call it that. I wholeheartedly believe that God placed him in my path for a reason.

I thought Jeffrey was going to propose numerous times…and it kept not happening. On our trip to Seattle, little comments kept getting made that I started wondering. So much so that I texted my best friend and said I think Jeffrey is going to ask me to marry him soon.

When we first started dating, he said if we ever did get married, he would ask his Mom for her engagement ring because his father died about 18 years ago, so she no longer wears it and I thought maybe he would get it from her on our trip. One day we were talking about a necklace his sister was wearing and he made a joke about picturing a shark pawning his shark mom’s engagement ring to make this shark tooth silver necklace. Then, Wednesday, we were at the Market downtown and we passed some rings in a window and he said oh these are in my budget, we can get you one of these and I told him that I didn’t need anything and would marry him without one. He said everyone deserves something. Then we were on the SkyWheel and he was being all weird taking a video to send my family and then turned to me and got on one knee and I thought, this is it. And he goes, And there’s Danielle (his sister), videotaping her on the pier below. I was like oh, awesome.

So, at this point I’m like okay it’s not happening, it’s fine. And it was! We had a great rest of the trip. We get home and our anniversary is the following weekend so he says we’re going to dinner and he already got me an anniversary present. I was super excited. And then ten minutes later he tells me he’s kidding, he didn’t have anything for me and I got bummed. Not about the actual gift, whatever it may be, but that it nice like he put a lot of effort and thought into something and it felt nice. So then I think I kinda started to be a little bit of a brat (Jeffrey’s words), not on purpose but because my feelings were hurt. The rest of the week went by, we went to dinner and had a good night on our anniversary on Saturday. He made another comment at dinner that we should stop by Walmart because he can afford one of those rings. I wanted to hurt him but I thought nope, it’s okay. Then on Sunday, I hung out with my sister, mom and nephew and at lunch I told them that I felt like he was never going to ask me to marry him. Those poor souls, I don’t know how they kept a straight face. So that night, we went to Jeffrey’s family dinner like we do every week and I felt like I was being mean again for literally no reason lol. (PMS and headache whoops) Went to bed, but woke up in a much better place on Monday morning. It was his day off so I got up and got ready, took care of puppies and kissed him goodbye!

In the afternoon, Jeffrey sends me a text that says hey let me know when you’re on our street. The first thought that popped in my head was I wonder if he’s going to propose. But, I had gotten myself so worked up over the last few weeks, that I didn’t want to be disappointed again and decided to put it out of my mind. I figured he was just going to video the puppies getting excited about Mom coming home from work so he could post it in this group! Finally, I am on my way home and turning on the street, I text Jeffrey, and I sat in the car for a sec before going in. I walk to the door, open it up, and puppies come rushing to me with signs around their necks and I just knew. I didn’t even have to read it at first, like I knew. And Jeffrey comes walking around the corner with a spoonful of peanut butter in his hand and I said what’s this?! He was like read the signs, I said I did and I think I’m gonna puke. He was kinda concerned and said well go then and I started laughing and said well not really but I’m shaky and I gotta sit down. He walked up to me and gave me a box and I see sparkles and I took it in my hands and put my arms around his neck and kissed him and kissed him. I think. I don’t really remember the whole thing. It got fuzzy there for a minute. Then I sat on the couch and just kept thinking, holy shit this is really happening right now. And it was. And he showed me the pics of the puppies with their signs and then it was just like a frenzy of people calling me and trying to post the pics online and the next two hours was kind of a blur. But it was perfect. I couldn’t have put it together better myself.

So, come to find out, during our vacation he went to get my ring with his brother in law. His mom still had her receipt from when they purchased her engagement ring and wedding band back in 1978 and apparently when you buy nice jewelry there’s a lifetime exchange on that kind of stuff. So his mom took her ring back to the store and gave Jeffrey the credit to put toward buying one just for me. I am so honored that she wanted to do that for us. And when we got back home, he went to my parents house to pick up Kilo and waited for them both to get home so he could ask them if he could marry me. I can’t even really describe the feeling, just full of gratitude and love and feeling welcomed and wanted by his family and so glad that he is more than just accepted by my own.

So, my unsolicited advice for today is: don’t let expectations ruin your right now. Jeffrey said that while I was being a brat, he was feeling sensitive and trying to be extra nice to me but I couldn’t even see it because I was impatiently living in the future and was unable to enjoy the moment. My time was coming, I just needed to step out of the way and let God have the controls back because the reality is, I never had control anyway.