Attitude Of Gratitude
Last week Jeffrey had to leave town unexpectedly so I was stuck taking care of 6 dogs by myself. Now, that’s not to say I don’t love dogs, but 6 is a lot to be responsible for. And they certainly gave me a run for my money. I dropped Rhea off with her mom early Saturday morning and that helped lighten the load. She’s the cutest, most wiggly, loving, little sweet pea. But, man, her and Lotto together were a force to be reckoned with. I’m glad Lotto and Sally had someone to keep them busy while Kain was busy napping away the first few weeks of his recovery. Saturday evening and all through Sunday, peace and quiet reigned over the house. And it was amazing.
I’ve been particularly busy this week. It started out pretty rocky and I knew I’d have to actually go to work Friday which made it seem like an even bigger mountain to overcome than usual. I realized just how much work it is taking care of puppies every morning before work. Here’s a little run down: It’s our fiscal year end so work has been extra demanding, causing me to work late Monday night. Tuesday, I had to take Kain to PT by 7 am, work 11 hours, head straight to coach soccer, get home around 8 and work a little more. Thankfully Jeffrey was off as he had just gotten back from Georgia, so I didn’t have to worry about puppies. We’ve been looking to move, so Wednesday I went straight from work to go look at some houses, which we ended up hating. Thankfully, this day our wonderful Puppy Sitter that came over to take care of them twice – once at lunch and once in the evening. Thursday, I went straight to pick up Kain from PT after work and ended up having to wait almost an hour. I got a little frustrated because we dropped him off at 7 am, and they didn’t start his PT until 3:30? So, once I finally got him home, I had to immediately turn around and go back out to coach soccer. Right after soccer, we went to look at two more houses and I fell head over heels for the second one we went to see. We’ve been pre-approved for a new house, but the reality is that we aren’t prepared for a down payment on a new house. And as I thought of every possible way to come up with the money for a down payment, there’s Jeffrey, being his Jeffrey-lama self, “Wouldn’t it feel so much better to save the money on our own.” Sure. Sure it would. But, it would also feel good to have the house right now. The house and land we’ve been wanting, the house and land that’s so much closer to his work, that will allow him some more time at home so I don’t feel like I’m the one keeping it running by myself.
I kept a pretty level head all week throughout the stress that is life, and even after the disappointment of not being able to get the home I want, I complained about it to myself for a little while, then let it go. But not until I was my way to Kroger to pick up Kain’s meds that I had a calming sense of peace that derived from an immense feeling of gratitude. And sometimes, sharing that gratitude out loud/in my blog/on social media helps me put things into perspective. And, the next time I get to feeling self-pity, it also reminds me just how good I have it. These “burdens” are not burdens at all, rather they are blessings.
We have a home that we own. We are not at risk of being kicked out or having to live under someone else’s roof and rules. There was a time that I didn’t even have that. There was a time I had nowhere to stay. So who cares if we have to spend some time saving up a down payment for my dream home. The house that we’re supposed to have will find its way to us. I have a job to go to that helps us afford the life we live. A job that allows me to choose my schedule, that allows me to work from home one day a week – those are privileges, not rights. So what if I have to work a few extra hours and drive in to work one more day than usual? There was a time I didn’t have that luxury. There was time I couldn’t keep a job because I was too busy getting high. I still get to enjoy my weekend with our sweet babies and my husband. There was a time I had no one. Not only was I asked to coach soccer to help give these girls some of my knowledge, but I get paid for it. And I passed the background check needed to even participate as the coach. There was a time that wouldn’t have been possible. The weather is finally nice. Just two weeks ago I was complaining about us having to practice in the freezing cold. Who cares if, God forbid, I actually have to spend a few hours a week, not just outside my house, but outside enjoying the world. There was a time, I couldn’t leave my jail cell, much less go outside.
I’m still behind on bow ties and headbands and I haven’t posted as many dogs pictures and videos as usual. Some fans (I hate using that word because truly, you’re all more than fans) have noticed and it makes me feel bad and quite honestly, I get frustrated like “Don’t these people know I have a life?” I don’t have an excuse to offer other than, as much as I’d like this to be my full time life – it’s not. And even if it takes me a second, I know that no one comments are malicious when it comes to asking where we’ve been, that you guys are just used to more posts than I’ve been able to provide this week. I know you guys are invested in our lives and want to see the puppies and truthfully, that’s what makes this possible. If you weren’t there, I’d have no one to share the puppies with. There was a time no one cared if I shared a thing, so thank you.
This week my husband went to the grocery store, picked up Kain poop in the front yard, did the dishes twice, packed our lunches, showed up at the open houses when I asked him to. There was a time (not that long ago) that I really did do everything on my own. And more than anything, even if he doesn’t realize it, he just supported me. By doing all of these things, these acts of service, I felt overwhelmingly clothed in love. And that’s what propelled me through the week. I made a commitment to him when we got married. I committed that I would follow his lead. And that’s hard for me to do. I think I know everything and can do anything and don’t need his help or input. That’s a disgusting way to view the world but the more love and support I feel, the easier it is for me to do. Because I know, without a doubt, Jeffrey would never lead us somewhere we shouldn’t go.
It was a busy, long and full week. But it was a good week. Next time I think, “Ugh life is so unfair,” all I need to do is read one sentence of this blog. Thank God life isn’t fair because if it was, I’d be in for a world of hurt. If life was fair, I’d be six feet under, or at the very least, sitting in prison for the rest of my life. I don’t even have any Unsolicited Advice today, I just know what I’m going to do for me. I am actively going to choose the back seat and trust that he has my best interests at heart and that I don’t need to be in control. Even when I don’t feel that overwhelming love, that’s no longer an excuse. I can choose how I act regardless how anyone else treats me. I can choose an attitude of gratitude at any time. I’m not perfect and I won’t always make the right choice, but the good thing about the right choice, is that when you’re ready, it’s always there waiting.